Bananas and the Way They Drive Dan Mad
by Owl-bones
Summary: Dan is home alone and gets friendly with a certain yellow fruit. Dan/banana sexiness and a bit of Phan on the side. I can't even justify this. Requested by... kinky people. I really can't explain this. I tried to make it work. Don't like, don't read. Maybe this is why I have no friends. Lololol


**A/N: I am so done. I can't even. I am unable to even. Because I cannot. Good lord.**

**Also, to those of you reading my other story, Magic Man and Pretty Boy, I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T UPDATED! I've been so incredibly busy; you wouldn't believe how hectic it's been. I can assure you I'm working on a new chapter that will hopefully make up for everything. Thanks for not punching my face off and eating my corpse. Eheheh.**

**Xoxo, Jennifer.**

"Gummy worms." Dan clutched Phils arm and looked him dead in the eye. "You have to bring me gummy worms, Phil, or I will never speak to you again."

"Right…" Phil nodded and brushed his lips across Dans cheek briefly. "I'll be back later then. Byeee!"

Phil shut the door and left his partner alone, in silence. Dan groaned and stretched. He really didn't know what to do with himself today. There was nothing _to_ do. He had just posted a new video, cleaned the flat, finished his homework for uni, and made tonight's dinner. Now what?

He could have a wank. He really wanted to wait for Phil to come back, but he already felt that familiar heat in the pit of his stomach.

"Shit…." Dan sighed, rubbing himself through his trousers.

He went to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water, looking out the window at the city that sprawled below. Glancing to his left, sitting innocently on the counter, was a bowl of fruit. Apples, bananas, oranges, and the like. Dan picked up an apple, only to set it right back down. He glanced once more at the banana. It was long and slightly curved, as bananas usually are.

"I've got time." Dan murmured, glancing at the clock.

He had at least three hours before Phil would be back. Might as well make the most of that time. Dan grabbed the banana, feeling slightly guilty, but pushing his feelings to the side. He made his way to his bedroom, making a pit stop to grab a condom and lube, before locking himself in the bathroom.

Leaning on the counter, Dan looked at himself in the mirror. His hair was mused, his shirt was wrinkled, and his cutoffs were sagging low. Too low. He began peeling off the layers and layers of clothes, throwing them messily on the floor. Once he was naked, sitting on the floor and leaning against the bathroom door, Dan stroked himself to hardness, letting his head roll back, shutting his eyes, a small sigh escaping his parted lips.

He thought of Phil. The way his body moved so fluidly, so smoothly. The way his back arched, his hips twisted, his ribs showed when he moved just right….

Dan swallowed hard and grabbed the banana. He held it in his hands, examining it, chuckling at his own idiocy. Was he really doing this?

"Fuck…."

He slid the condom over the banana, licking his lips. Next, he poured a copious amount of lube on it, using his finger to distribute the gooey liquid. He stood up and leaned on the counter. He had never done this before. Sure he had used his fingers many a time, but never had he used anything so… innocent.

He licked his fingers and slowly slid one into his tight entrance. He tossed his head back, immediately finding the small bundle of nerves he had been aiming for. He curled his finger, slowly adding a second one to join the first, scissoring and twisting them, stretching himself to accommodate the banana. After several minutes of this agonizing pace, Dan pulled his fingers out, groaning at the loss of contact.

He gripped the banana, shaking his head. This was so… awkward….

"Ahh-!" Dan bit down on his thumb, trying to stifle his cry.

The banana slid in with surprising ease, though it wasn't completely pain-free. Dan groaned, letting his head rest on the counter as he adjusted to the feeling of the banana inside him. He held it tightly and slowly began sliding it in and out… in and out… in and out….

The pain was quickly replaced by pleasure as the banana hit home, making his knees go weak. Dan spread his legs a bit more, trying to gain deeper penetration from the fruit. The way it felt inside him nearly drove Dan mad, making him cry out and shake slightly, biting his lip hard.

He used his free hand to stroke himself, leaning against the door and moaning softly. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and laughed quietly. Even when he had a fucking banana up his ass he still managed to look attractive.

"Mmmh fuck…." Dan whispered hoarsely, feeling his muscles tense.

He was gasping and trembling, trying to put his orgasm off as long as he could, not wanting this feeling to end. But eventually it did. And what a spectacular end it was.

Dan let out a loud, low groan, spilling his load across the counter, feeling the warm liquid cover his fingers as he continued to stroke himself. Finally, when he was left leaning against the door, whimpering weakly and shaking violently, Dan pulled the banana out, hissing at the emptiness it left behind. He set it on the counter and brought his other fingers to his lips, licking them clean.

Sliding down the door once more, Dan drew his legs to his chest and let out a shaky breath. That was the most brilliant thing he had ever experienced. Ever. And he still had roughly two hours before Phil came home… which is why he nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard Phil shut the front door and yell to the flat at large.

"Well that was a complete waste of time. The store I wanted to go to was closed. I mean, really. What's the point of—" Phil stopped talking when Dan threw open the bathroom door, brandishing a banana and looking utterly….. naked.

"You!" Dan waved the banana at Phil menacingly. "You have _got _to try this. Oh fuck, Phil, you would not _believe_ how good this feels."

"Dan… really?" Phil set his bag down and rolling his eyes. "I've done that before. I think every gay guy has, really."

Dan chuckled and dropped the banana, collapsing in Phils arms.

"I think tonight should be the night we… you know…." Dan whispered.

"Get it wet? Stick it in?"

"PHILIP LESTER. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? For shame, Mister Lester, for shame." Dan held Phil at arm's length. "But yes. I'd like that. We've been together long enough…."

Phil grinned and kissed Dan briefly, trailing his lips up Dans nose and planting several soft kisses across Dans forehead.

"I love you, Dan, but you're a fucking idiot. Now get dressed, you whore." Phil poked Dans arms and went to the kitchen, opening the refrigerator.

"Did you get the gummy worms, by any chance?" Dan called, pulling on his clothes.

He was hit in the face with a bag of gummy worms…. Sour ones.

"I hate this kind."

"I know. But I don't." Phil smirked, leaning in the doorway.

"Selfish." Dan stuck his tongue out.

"Says the guy who fucked himself with a banana."

**A/N: I'm sorry this was so rushed. Ignore my atrocious spelling. In fact, just pretend this story doesn't exist. It's so awkward. I'm sorry for any jimmies that may have been rustled by this. And uh…. Meow.**


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